At that moment when I sat with death, I understood so much of life. It wasn’t as though I hadn’t experienced this bitter episode before. I was young and naive then, perhaps I didn’t grieve enough, but this time it made sense. I sat bedside watching the same man leaving the world that he brought me into. As I crumbled and he lay unaware, I teared in isolation, my cries went unheard. I pleaded for his life but death was stronger.
He left me with deep somber thoughts. It was then I felt the ache, when I had him in his entirety, I should have. Isn’t it during those days of despair we remember all the ‘I should haves’ we purposely disregarded? The regret sinks into our grief. Throughout my life he gave me advice and now after he left is when I understood his lessons.
This time I understood my purpose. This time around death showed me, my life is in fact limited. It was death that showed me that surviving isn’t enough; you have to live. You are worth every breath you breathe, you are worthy of every second that passes. Being humble and comfortable are your successes. He showed me over again and now when he lay humbly and comfortably I realized what he meant.
Death showed me things will stay, but people will leave. The tug of war between what’s yours and mine will eventually kill one of us. It showed me to be a bigger person. So isn’t it better to be prepared? To let them know everyday, to share your heart and tell them how they are loved by you. In the end when nothing else matters, you matter. I mattered, he gifted me this life and so this life matters. What doesn’t matter are our wants and needs, the greed and vengeance. It’s the hate that poisons us and when you can’t see past your ego, it is then you begin to sink. I have to rise above all that.
This death showed me that it’s okay to speak and console and share and be open. Why must you die in silence? Why must you die in shame and embarrassment? Feel your own pain instead of running from it and covering up the lesions. Share your pain. I didn’t know his pain, he didn’t share his suffering, I never knew and so it remains an unknown part of his life.
Flowers lie in abundance at your tomb, no one speaks ill. I too want to be worthy of fresh flowers and sweet words but while I’m alive. I want to do good and so I decided to forsake the grudges and tried to forgive. I decided I want to live in peace so I may leave a legacy of a kind heart. Because I fell mindlessly in the path of convulsion, I had to die just a little to know how to rise again.
This life will carry on with or without me. ‘Make time’, he told me, ‘Time for all the items on the bottom of your list’. He told me to take time to do things that put a smile on my face. ‘Be happy, time will pass anyway’, he said, ‘Live your life, it’s the only one you have’. I didn’t understand that nothing lasts forever, until he was taken away right before me. He didn’t put up a fight, I fought for him until I realized he was ready to leave me behind.
Death taught me that in the end, it’s not what he left me, it’s what he told me. This time, I was understanding why I was here and my purpose for living. So as I tell his stories, and there are many, I’m reminded, in the end we all become part of a story. We have to decide if that story is worth reciting.