You could say it was murder. A crime that never saw justice. What name would I have given this case? I often visualized myself sitting in the courtroom. Yes, I’d have a case, the narcissist versus the empath, but would justice be served? Where would I start to convince the jury how I became a victim? It was a crime, a murder of my benevolent soul. But we merciful ones always lose, we get abused and mistreated, thrown aside and left to pick up the pieces after someone’s egotistical and arrogant demeanor ruthlessly oppresses our ability to function normally.
So I took it upon myself to defend the other party. Because I now have read every inch of the book they wrote. I know exactly how to pull off a seamless entanglement, how to turn a lie into temporary forgiveness and how to create a web that slowly strangles. I’m aware now how to manipulate feelings and how to stab with emotional assaults. I know how to drive someone into a black hole and how to devalue an innocent mind. I know how to make them believe everything they said had no relevance. I could feed them lies and make them believe they were the ones that were going crazy. I could walk the grounds holding all the power, making them feel so small as if they couldn’t exist without me. I could slaughter one’s self esteem, mistreat and misuse them, yes, I studied the entire book.
I’d defend the opposing side. There is no reason to play victim here, I’d win this case for them. I can prove how even with proof, you can get away with murdering an empathic soul.
I’ve fought all my life, my values and beliefs were never extreme but perhaps too complicated for the average person to understand. There was that demure side to me that consoled, cared, helped, nurtured and understood. The very traits that were used and abused. Then as if I had not known it, I was awakened to the fact that my life was not my own. It was dissected by people who took advantage of me and one person in particular took it to the extreme.
The law says you need proof, you are innocent until proven guilty. If you act in self defense you still need to prove your statement. Do they know some acts of self defense turn into self sabotage? The very crime that goes unpunished, is the same crime that eats away at our organs. It’s the raw insides that you’d see if one dared cut me open. It was the record of indecent bullying that played on repeat in my mind. It was the disloyal hand that led me into a world where I began trusting no one. The suffocation drowned me, I became a lifeless puppet that lost feeling and all hope.
So would I have a case? It would be my word against theirs, because emotional abuse, anxiety disorder, traumatic chaos, mental disarray and depression are not seen by the naked eye. They are felt and when you begin to lose the feeling, parts of you become numb, how do you explain that? It’s then you are alone. I couldn’t even convince myself that I was being held captive. My facade was real, the sinless face, it was my defense mechanism and yet my insides bled to death silently. Was I silenced or ushered into silence? It makes no difference. They use that side of you, the one that they hold the most power over. Belittling and condescending blows that continue to be thrown. What is it about us? We make ourselves believe that we can fix all the wrongs and everyone deserves a chance, sometimes, third and fourth until we tire ourselves out. We choose to stay because we are loyal, faithful and loving. Then that choice becomes a life sentence because we begin to believe there is no way out and the guilt of even thinking such eats away at us.
At the end of my closing statement, I’d cry with all my heart and let them know this is the person that couldn’t be saved. I was the victim of narcissistic abuse, it was my empathic soul that was murdered. Without a doubt I’d win this case for them. There was never any justice but there was definitely a murder.