I watched my life go by, at times, I stood still and I let it pass. Just like the water in a flowing river, it passed by me, never to return. It flowed into greater and deeper depths. Other times, I didn’t want to watch, but the unswerving episodes immobilized me. I watched happy moments leaving so swiftly. I watched reality kick into my fairytale life.
I watched my mother’s tears fall down her rosy cheeks as she bid me farewell one last time. I stood motionless as her translucent complexion was ushered into another dimension. I watched fate deal the cards for me, and society showed me my place and people assigned my duties. I watched the love I gifted separate into morsels and the love I deserved handed to another. I watched the battlefield but I didn’t understand it was my war. I watched from a distance as the pack conspired and I fought my battle alone. I watched people take over my space. I watched a loved one wither away, I longed to be closer but distance, it can be cruel.
I watched as I feathered my own nest. I watched the innocent face as it came out from inside me. I watched how it grew, how the transformation went from beautiful to bold. I gave them wings and then I watched them fly. I watched how time didn’t stand still even for a moment so I could savor the drops of my happiness. I saw my humble abode become empty and lifeless.
I watched the moon when the nights wouldn’t end and I watched the clouds float by when my body gave in. I watched myself dig a hole and then I watched as I filled it back. I juggled myself on a tightrope and then I watched myself fall. There were so many hands to help but not one reached out. I watched as backs were turned and bonds were cut. My bleeding heart ached and my insides turned raw and I watched it all. The words were hurled at me as I sat in silence, motionless, unable to respond. I felt the pillow soak up my tears so there was no evidence left of the crime.
I was confused as to why I was never enough. I watched the silence on the road I walked and then turned to run from the noise. When power and money both destroyed my surroundings, I watched myself become more humble. I watched as I tried to bridge gaps with relations and hold up the forts. I have been a pillar, a shoulder and even a punching bag. I have also watched myself become depleted of the very thing that I showered. I watched my love vanish, it just wasn’t enough, perhaps it never was.
I watched the consequences of being a woman, the struggle of a wife, the toil of a sister, the sacrifice of a mother, the devotion of a daughter and the loyalty of a friend. I watched the adoration of a child and the goodwill of a stranger. I embraced the kindness of a friend and I felt the endearment of a passerby.
I have watched myself smile through a hurricane and cry through a field of flowers. I watched the sadness in my eyes turn to a glow on my face. I watched peace enter my mind as I became fearless, strong and compassionate. I watched my past without regret and unyielding love and how I became who I was meant to be. I watched that little girl inside me give birth again. I watched in amazement as I survived the life that passed by, I stood still and it passed, but I couldn’t watch myself fail.