It’s dark outside, and with nothing else to tend to, I make myself comfortable in between the soft sheets of my bed. I prop myself up on the pillow and open up my laptop. Each time I set out to write, pieces of my life flash before me, and I reflect; It’s as if it has become a ritual. 

I’m a woman, and it’s natural for us to display emotion. There came a time when I ceased that right over fear. I was forbidden to cry. Crying meant someone was made to feel guilty; they would be answerable for the pain they caused, but didn’t want to acknowledge. I’ve had to comfort myself from a young age. From playful tears to innocent weeps, then longing cries to wails for help. At each stage of my life, I had not one person I trusted enough to turn to. I became accustomed to the isolation.

Isn’t it a kind of neglect? Being surrounded by uncaring people. I’m not sure what goes through the mind of someone who loses compassion and does not want to offer comfort to another soul who needs it. As I grew up, I found myself fighting my own battles. Again, not that I didn’t have anyone around, but no one who considered me worth fighting for. As life unfolded, it became clearer; I had to fight my own fight. At times, you feel strong and level-headed, but many other times, I was made to feel worthless and insecure. That is when something else inside you gives birth.

I walk alone today, and although it is the path I chose, I know there is no one waiting for me. I have good friends, and I realized how imperative it is to have a support system. Not just any support system, but one where you don’t have to make up stories or hide or pretend to fit in. One where your voice is heard, and you also gain from listening to practical advice. I have loved and supported many individuals throughout my life, and it’s what you give so effortlessly, you wish you had in your time of need.

People come and go in your life, and for the most part, there was a reason why they crossed my path. I’ve fallen for people who didn’t belong to me, and I have walked away from people who admired me. I’ve made friends with opposites and run from the crazies that wanted more. I’ve learned major lessons, and I’ve loved and been loved. Through these experiences, one thing remained: I held a need to please, and so I changed myself to fit in.

Whatever gave birth inside me back then, when I was made to feel unloved and worthless, is what is looking out for me now. It took many moons for me to figure out that the worst thing I can do for myself is change to fit someone else’s world. I seek like-minded individuals now, I want to be amongst a company that lifts my spirits. I question my insanity of wanting to play, and then when the reality of life hits and there is no one waiting at the door or looking out for me, I become sensible and realistic. 

I realize all the lessons I’ve learned hold a pattern. Time always shows you what you should see; we are the ones who choose to be blind. When bad things happen, they teach us what we need to learn. Every relationship deserves an equal dose of affection. Position people where they belong; if what you’re putting in is not being reciprocated. Hold on to that person who makes you feel valued, the one who makes you smile. Hold on a little tighter to the person who is willing to hold your hand through the hard times and accepts you for who you are, at face value.