‘There is no such thing as a broken family’. I read this today and I let it sink in for a while, I’m not sure if I digested the statement correctly. Broken families do exist. My first immediate family ended up broken, it happened in my youth, a result of a sudden death. I was always a family girl, right in the center of the circle. Everything in my life revolved around family. It was a circumstance beyond anyone’s control and yet the result tore my family apart. My second family, through marriage, also resulted in a broken family from divorce. So this phenomenon I was reading wasn’t resonating with me at all.
The article went on to say ‘Family is not determined by papers and documents, families are made with ties to the heart.’ To some degree, I agreed here, but papers and documents ultimately determine the fate of a family and ties to the heart can also be broken.
No family is perfect, they each have flaws. It’s the characters that make up a family that are different. Not everyone thinks alike or sees alike, it’s this makeup that can never be equal. When push comes to shove, they all come together as a family should. Yet each family member has their own agenda, because we are different even though we are cut from the same cloth. When breaking began, it was because I stepped away from my position as peacemaker. Disappointment seeped through those seams but no one noticed. I realized everyone satisfies their own hunger and in my time of need, backs were turned, I was left abandoned.
I continued to work damn hard to make sure that my relationships didn’t change no matter how hard the forces were against me. Deplorable habits set in and I nurtured them knowing it was hard work. I wasn’t about to let a piece of paper enforce how the family was now divided or broken. There were souls that gladly sat perched in an uncomfortable seat because getting up meant they’d break the family. I can relate, I did just that, until I couldn’t take it anymore. My decision to leave a so-called ‘throne’ broke the family. It’s beyond devastation, maneuvering through torn bonds, especially where children are involved.
There is a difference between dysfunctional families and those that are broken. I’m aware now, I belonged to dysfunctional families that eventually broke. Ones that didn’t want the best for each other, ones that were disloyal, that didn’t support each other and apparently ones that didn’t love either. So there were no ties of the heart, it was all loose strings and all one sided. I held on because I believed in the unity of a family bond.
No one ever died from a divorce but just like marriage or parenting, it’s a direct result of a family union.
It was my small idiosyncrasies that made me believe I was to blame because I failed. When in fact it is the facts that say it all. You should get out of a relationship what you put into it. If you cut ties from the heart the result is being torn apart and if you make ties from the heart, it becomes a connection.
Family to me used to mean togetherness, blood ties, unspoken promises, roots, support and love. At times I set aside my feelings and rebound the ties to the heart only to see them break again. Family shouldn’t be work but a beautiful easy union of the hearts. It shouldn’t leave distaste, you shouldn’t feel a burden. My family now are people that chose to walk by my side or have somehow made it into my life, made an effort and stayed with me. We are not linked by parents or blood. There is no document that exemplifies our bond and like the quote affirms; ‘My friends became the family I chose’.
I came to the conclusion this article didn’t speak the real truth about what damage a broken family can really do or even what a broken family actually is. I didn’t care to finish it because no matter how much of it I read my experiences spoke louder. Broken families do exist. They exist because we have no choice. Individuals tied through blood confirm a bond, there is no option. You either make it work or you step aside but it doesn’t mean you can’t create another solid union with people you choose to be your family.