This phrase; I learned the meaning of it so young. When distance pulls you away from the only love you know, your heart does grow fonder. Just like the words I write, the memories remain even when I try to erase them, they appear just like the lost love. Like an old book that was forgotten but well read, I will always remember our story. I have unwritten chapters of my book and blank pages, my pen awaits.
I don’t know what it is I gain from wanting something that is not so easily obtainable? I try hard to console my heart but it walks astray as if it too is upset with me for the miles between us. It wasn’t intended, it just happened and now all I have are the words, the blank pages and memories to hold on to and the sweet sound of your voice on occasion, and once in a while I am worthy of your presence. When my soul spends time at your side I feel whole. But that same sum of time that distance stole from me is what I yearn for now. Even with the distance between us, I couldn’t steal time.
I wait in anticipation for the day I can see the sparkle in your eyes and hear your voice in person. I wait for the stories and for the embraces and most of all I wait to see how life has treated you without me. I want to hear how your time passed away from the one that loves you entirely. Quietly and patiently I wait for you to tell me you too missed me just a little perhaps but that I was missed.
My heart does grow fonder, being here alone. It seemed to realize how precious you really are. My love for you grows without even trying and I don’t know how but I cease to see the imperfections in you now. Distance taught me to savor the sweetness, to let go of the little mishaps and the disagreements. The flaws don’t matter to me anymore. Distance taught me every moment is precious. Living a life without the love I deserved allowed me to grow fond of you, little by little a new you transpired for me. Just like that you became much more important.
Tomorrow I plan, and yesterday I longed but what do I do today when the agony of not having you here becomes unbearable. Distance has made me tough, it’s made the goodbyes a little less painful. It taught me, we ultimately walk alone. My eyes scan your pictures as I pass by and some days tears drop and you are worth every tear I cry. Other days I smile and it is that same happiness that makes me proud to have you in my life.
Yes my child, I gave birth to you, but you were never mine to keep for eternity. Having a child is a privilege but you are not my property. I gave birth to a life and eventually that life lives for its own. We forget, children pass through us but they own their destiny. Distance taught me the sooner I accept this truth the sooner I can appreciate what I raised. I won’t lie, I have been selfish, wanting you for myself but I cannot fulfill every desire I wish. Embracing change and enjoying the meaningful peace I have obtained without wanting more, that is enough happiness. I gave you wings and you flew. Now my wishes are for you to soar to new heights. All I can ask of you is to never forget, the one that birthed you is always waiting and even with the distance between us, I hope your heart too grows fonder.